Last week, my oncologist told me the results of the latest set of films: I appear to have a cluster of four small tumors on the left side of my abdomen, and one slightly larger tumor on my liver. My cancer is back, and in two places: a bad sign. I’ve started chemo again, and am feeling the usual symptoms, including constant queasiness and others too gross to describe in a family blog. My prognosis isn’t clear, but at this point, the range of plausible outcomes—see how easy it is to talk about the timing of one’s death?—runs from bad to worse. Still, sometimes improbable things happen; the disease itself is example enough of that phenomenon. Maybe my chemo will shrink these tumors, and buy me some time. I hope so, though I don’t assume so—and I try not to think too hard about the “hope” part of that sentence.
That last clause may sound strange, but then hope is a strange commodity. I have heard from more people than I can count that, above all else, the thing I must do (channeling my inner Jesse Jackson here) is to keep hope alive. Don’t give up hope. Don’t quit: battle your cancer as long and as hard as you can, believe that you can and will beat it. Keep hoping and the victory can be yours.
Comments ( 10 )
I'm thinking and praying for you.
Posted by Steve | August 7, 2009 5:57 PM
My prayer for you and for your family is for JOY in the midst of trial and a deeper and more intimate relationship with your Savior, LORD JESUS as you depend more and more on His strength and grace and love.
Posted by Jo McCabe | August 8, 2009 7:57 AM
I'll be praying for you, Bill.
Recently, I've been doodling with the idea of an article on Fourth Amendment scholarship that tries to classify the scholarship in the area and suggest more and less productive turns. Again and again, I am struck by how thoughtful, insightful, and important your work is. It's really a model for me, both in terms of its style and approach: I think it's really wonderful stuff.
Posted by Orin Kerr | August 10, 2009 4:06 PM
Thanks for the honest posting. Most of us live with the illusion of control, and easy faith. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by Kevin Outterson | August 11, 2009 3:09 PM
Amen. God is working in and through you. He's given you great wisdom that is helping this total stranger through a similar journey. May God continue to grant you His grace and peace.
Posted by George Means | August 13, 2009 2:57 AM
Bill, my Jewish prayers (who knows who is listening, right?) are with you and your family. This particular message, and the wisdom it suggests, resonates especially strongly with me. And, by the way, I agree entirely with Orin's comments above about your scholarship. But, your wisdom about life on this Earth and how to live it are far more important to me at this time.
Posted by Joshua Dressler | August 14, 2009 10:15 AM
Your crim law class ranked in the top three I had in law school. I have recalled your good humor and keen mind many times since then--which helps to explain why I am sitting in an apartment in Moscow googling the name of a professor I last saw in 2002. Thank you for sharing your insights then and now.
Posted by Mathew | August 19, 2009 2:53 PM
Thanks for sharing a conclusion that I wish more people understood: >>Forces beyond my control usually dictate my life’s circumstances, good and bad ... The most I can do is decide how to behave in the midst of them.
This is my current working definition of hope, over two years into my prostate cancer experience. After surgery, radiation, and hormonal therapy, the cancer still does what it does, when it chooses to (well, the treatment helps some).
After fighting internally for so many months, wanting to be able to will the cancer away, it became clear to me that it's my attitude that defines "hope" for me. Too many people around me want me to have faith to be healed, but I want faith to become me, fully, as I navigate this period of my life. Healing is in God's hands, with whatever help oncologists can provide.
Posted by Dan | August 22, 2009 12:35 PM
You’ll Never Walk Alone:
"When you walk through a storm hold your head up high.
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm there's a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on walk on with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk never walk alone
(Walk on walk on with hope in your heart) and you'll never walk alone
No you'll never walk never walk alone walk on."
Posted by Steve | August 22, 2009 2:19 PM
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
I hope that this verse is of encouragement and comfort to you! It has always comforted me in times of uncertainty, reminding me so simply and directly that the most valuable things ARE certain. And that what Christ promises is far better than anything I could wish for - He is constantly teaching us to hope for the right things.
Posted by Cyndy Chen | August 29, 2009 11:53 PM