Last week, my latest and I hope last round of chemo began; unless things change, the plan is to keep going til mid-December and then quit for good. I feel lousy: low-grade nausea is a constant companion, and sometimes it isn't low-grade. One of the drugs gives me a swollen and sore mouth, which makes eating, drinking, and talking painful. (No doubt my speech has often pained my students. Maybe this is payback.) And, of course, there is the onset of Chemo Brain, just when classes are about to begin. (What was I talking about again?)
One day, I suspect we will see today's chemotherapy as akin to leeches and bloodletting for patients thought to have "bad humours" in their blood: earlier versions of the kind of medicine that kills the disease by killing the patient. Of course, the comparison isn't quite fair, and it seems ungrateful on my part to make it. These treatments are not killing me--on the contrary, they may be keeping me alive. I should be thankful, and I am, for the skilled and decent men and women who supervise my drug regimen. Whatever life I have left, I owe to their competence and commitment. I can't say enough good things about them. Still, it's a strange enterprise: progress happens, but it always feels like regress.
In my many trips to the
Comments ( 5 )
Hang in there Bill and know we're praying for you.
Posted by Steve Erickson | August 28, 2008 8:22 PM
In response to your question "Have we become so focused on longevity above all else that longer lives with large doses of misery seem better than shorter and happier ones?", maybe we're just fearful of death.. postponing it as long as we can, even if it means "large doses of misery".
I hope the start of the treatment is going well. May God of peace be with you.
Posted by Julia Lee | August 29, 2008 8:15 PM
I appreciate you candidness about your illness, Bill. Please know that I regularly pray for you. You give us a greater appreciation for what we enjoy each day - but often assume this is the way it always will be. George McFarland
Posted by Anonymous | September 1, 2008 1:41 PM
Bill, like the other commenters, I have been praying for you and that God can fulfill his plan in all this. One (great) outcome is that the treatment does the miraculous and you have a long and distinguished career at Harvard. Another is that even though God will only give you a little time, He has planned a few things for you to do, and you will find what they are and get them done.
But another is that the chemo is not for you (directly), but for those that follow you. That the doctors and researchers will learn from you and someone struck by cancer in the future will have more time because of what you are enduring.
And I wonder if that is something that occurs to the 70 and 80 year olds. That they are enduring this now in the hope that when their grandchildren are in their 50s, cancer is something that is more easily controlled, in a way that does not cause so much injury.
Posted by Jeff | September 4, 2008 8:09 PM
Dear William- I stumbled upon this website in a way, and have enjoyed the commentary from you and your colleague, David Skeel. It is refreshing to see a blog of this nature.
With certainty, add my prayers to the long list. On a personal note, I am both evangelical Protestant and part of the Harvard community, and work on solid tumor therapies. If you don't believe your oncologist, believe me, there are exciting drugs on the horizon; stay strong in the meantime- and know we are working hard so you can continue making an enormous impact on countless lives. When reading through this blog, I was so gracefully reminded of Galatians 5 ... the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love... Indeed, no matter what our circumstance is, without even trying, you inspirationally remind us all of this.
Posted by Anthony Faber | September 25, 2008 7:42 PM